Just A Little Thought..

I want it to be easy
You know, just for a day
Sit on the couch
All my cares thrown away

No worry peering
Over my shoulder
No stress to make me
Grow rapidly older

My raw wounds
Left pain free
Throw all of it
In a bottle at sea

And left behind
Would be just Julie
Oh the day would
Be a true beauty

No people would
Argue, belittle, or groan
No animals would
Squabble, freak out or moan

Health wouldn't taunt me
Just out of reach
I'd be more than just
The worth of my speech 

Pregnancy Milestone Review #1: First Prenatal Doctor Visit

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Yesterday, March 19th, 2015, Toby and I went to our first prenatal doctor appointment together. It was a really exciting experience! Our doctor seems very well-rounded, calm, kind, and caring. She made the first visit about bonding better, and agreed to leave the pelvic exam until our second visit, at the end of the month. I really like that she gave us that opportunity, as trust is huge for me and it means a lot that she made that important right off the bat for our doctor/patient relationship.

She also seems very thorough on her discussions, and willing to explore a variety of options, as well as encourages you to ask questions. She immediately took notice that I am somewhat shy, and told me that come labor day I should be open and vocal, because it will help nurses and doctors know what I need to have a more comfortable stay, as well as to have my birth go as closely to plan as can be (although I know this doesn't always happen, and I'm prepared for it to be however it needs to be to get our little miracle in the world!) 

Overall, it was a really great experience! I enjoyed it. 

Pregnancy Milestone Rating: 

Awkward: 3/10 (who knew I'd have to pee in a cup so much, yeesh!)  

Embarrassing: 2/10

Fun/Funny:4/10

Worthwhile: 10/10

Extras: There's really no way to rate this as it's a fully necessary experience, and I know it won't always be fun but at least my first visit wasn't terrible and that's a plus. I look forward to further visits, and learning about our babies development and health. It's exciting to learn how I can help influence the healthiest possible beginning for our baby. 

Cheers

Julie Maye

Pregnancy Milestone Review #2: Pregnancy Photos

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

I am starting with #2 because the #1 Milestone I actually passed (besides getting the Big Positive) was getting to meet my new prenatal doctor yesterday. Sweet! I'll write about that after, but for now: what's fresh in my mind! 

Today I got to experience what it was like trying to take pregnant belly photos for the first time. Oh my goodness what a ridiculous experience to have. Now, I am by no means someone who thinks anyone should be self-conscious of their belly, but how absolutely unnatural is it to have a photo that doesn't accentuate your face, or your whole body standing next to something cool or something like that? How awkward to have a photo completely focused on your stomach! 

And then you get on Pinterest and see all these cute ideas of week to week photos, and get horribly intimidated by all the adorably awesome ideas, to the point that you really can't just pick one. Oh, and of course there has to be the ridiculous these-will-only-ever-see-family-photo-albums pictures. Of course.

Pregnancy Milestone Rating: 

Awkward:  7/10

Embarrassing: 2/10

Fun/Funny: 10/10

Worthwhile: 10/10

Extras: For this pregnancy I want to narrow down to one or two cute week-to-week photo themes, and next pregnancy I'll choose differently. That way I can experience a bunch, but not be overwhelmed all at once! Now, time to decide...erg! 

Cheers!
Julie Maye

When Life Gets Real

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

I just heard news of a person I went to high school with just 5-6 years ago got into a fatal accident that took his life and two others. It's a scary feeling, like a hot dose of reality: it could've been any one of us. Any one, period. It is people, daily. Hourly, even, if you're speaking on a large scale, such as the whole world? (Don't quote me on that stat.)

What it got me thinking was, how scary real life can be. How much can be taken from you in an instant, and never given back, no matter how hard you pray, cry, hurt, scream, beg, plea, anything. Nothing will change. You can only move forward. It's such a scary feeling. Then it got me to thinking that one day, my daughter or son is going to go to school and just like I did in preschool, they're going to lose a school mate, and they'll get that scary dose of reality. Maybe not as young, but eventually. And one day, they may even be close to the person who passed, or at least grown alongside them for so long that it feels like a part of their child hood got ripped away. 

It's scary. It terrifies me to know that there will be things that I can't explain, that I can't fix. Things I can't even explain to myself, or fix. It sure is a horrible feeling.

My heart is heavy for the soul lost this past week, as he was a kind, gentle, outgoing person from what I knew. This fella was my classmate for about 3 years, and although we were never close he was a noticeably good guy. It shocks me to hear of such disastrous news. 

Julie

Dear Pregnant Dream Diary! #1

Dear Pregnant Dream Diary:

With the encouragement of the internet, and the desire to capture and remember every single wonderful (and terrible) aspect of this miracle we call "pregnancy", I have decided to start a Pregnancy Dream Diary! That's right, I'm going to do it right here, online, in embarrassingly honest detail for all to witness!

Since I can't actually recall last nights dream, due to it being so late in the day (and me already having pregnancy brain) I am just going to utilize this first post to recap some of the highlights I can remember from various other dreams I've had. I can't promise their in order, but here you go! Hope the read is worth the laugh. :)

(1) I have a betta fish that I've had for years now (4?) and hes purple and red. Well, I forgot to feed him for a couple days and felt really bad. I knew this, because in my dream, I saw myself overfeeding him. And he ate every last bite. And his stomach was translucent, I could see every crumb of food mixing around in there, almost like newborn tadpoles in a tiny bucket (remember that when you were a kid? Hehe) It took about 3 minutes and suddenly this fish had this ginormous fish pellet colored and shaped poop! Yup, HUGE! Like bigger than him! It was like watching my fish give birth to a gigantic food pellet - what the?! Totally weird.

(2) I was talking to a friend (unsure who, couldn't see a face, just long hair and a red pant suit) about something I'd learned about pregnancy, and we'd discussed our opinions and our doctors opinions. I don't know what was said, but I said something and she changed it and lied to everyone, including Toby. Toby came home and refused to believe the truth, and whatever the lie was made him extremely P.O'd at me. I was devastated and couldn't get him to listen to me. So I resorted to punching him in the arm. Over, and over. Every time he called me a liar or something, I'd just punch him in the arm. He left with an orange-sized bruise, and I left still being called a liar and bawling my eyes out. I guess this is my guilty conscious reflecting the bruise on Toby's eye? Sorry babe! It truly wasn't intentional! :(

(3)  -Warning this one was a nightmare that actually woke me up and encouraged me to be afraid of the dark and sleep for the rest of the night. It's not exactly a positive and funny one, but it is incredibly strange and far-out LOL-

I was sitting on the side of the road (Number 3 road, to be exact, if you're local and know where I'm talking about) picking at the grass. The next thing I know, I stand up and I'm walking along the side of the road with Toby. We're sauntering on down, when we see this weird dog on his back, sleeping on the grass next to the road. When we got closer, we noticed it was actually a coyote, he started wiggling around on his back, like a weird seizure or something, or maybe a dog playing in the grass, the way they rub their backs around? Anyway, I started freaking out and went to run, when Toby grabs me and says if you run he'll chase us. We continue to walk past it, and down the road. Part way down, I look back and there's a group of kids PETTING the coyote, which was still seizing or whatever. I freaked out, and turned to Toby only to realize he'd disappeared. I couldn't find him. I yelled at the kids to get away and be careful because it was a coyote, likely diseased, and who knows when it would wake up and start attacking them hovering over it? I couldn't scream. I turned to run away to get as far as I could from the craziness and the disease and the psycho dog, to get myself and my unborn baby to safety, and some get some help. I couldn't run. The dog chased after me, and bit me. I was diseased. After what felt like hours of me running slow motion, and attempting to scream but incapable of making a voice, I finally reached the end of the road. Toby comes out of no where in the car, and picks me up. I see that there are now a bunch of people gathered on the sides of the street, but I can't understand why? It looks like a parade is going to take place, but Number 3 road is a very isolated, out-there country road with no room for a parade, what was going on? I couldn't figure it out. Toby turns the car around and goes the opposite direction, out of fear of people getting too in the way. When driving around a corner, he takes it too wide and sinks our car several feet down into a murky ditch. Toby smacks his head on the steering wheel and is passed out. I'm freaking out and have no idea what to do so I unclick our seatbelts and attempt to drag him out but the waters filling fast and I can't get him out of his seat. I wait until the water fills enough to help me and then take a deep breath and start swimming out. I woke up in the middle of swimming up because I have a severe fear of water, especially deep water, and especially that I can't see in. All I could see around me were black shadows of fish swimming by - creepy. It was definitely a nightmare.

That is all I have for you today, but more tomorrow morning, promise!

Sweet dreams, I hope!
Julie Maye

Pregnant And HUNGRY!

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

I am SO hungry these days! I went from being severely underweight to being well on my way to a medically healthy BMI level for my size, and I fully intend on surpassing that point with ease! This new and fully loaded appetite is here to back me up, too! Wow has pregnancy ever had me hungry!

I don't mean hungry like I could eat a horse, I mean hungry like I'm a savage who's constantly savoring every last crumb and thinking about her next meal before ever tearing into the first bite of her current meal. While I'm shoveling back apples and grapes, I'm planning up the wonderful snack I'll have next of cucumber slices with cheese, or a bagel with cream cheese, or Mom's homemade chicken noodle soup, or anything else I can get my hands on! French Fries, particularly from Wendy's, seem to be a big hit right now for me, too!

I learned that this week (the 10th week) our Wee V has developed taste buds. Yup, maybe that will help to explain the extra serious and specific cravings, as well as the sudden hate for foods I was just eating by the boatload last week (ahem, mango). Nope, this week the flavor is french fries, fried rice, egg rolls, chicken soup, and almost anything else salty. Mmm.

Whatever stomach ailments I was dealing with before pregnancy have certainly lost their importance during pregnancy - while they continue to command what I can and cannot eat, I find that if my pregnancy cravings contradict the "can not's" up to a certain amount, I can handle it just fine. In fact, with way better tolerance than I ever could before. (Oh my goodness, hello oranges, I've missed you so!) Except for coffee. Coffee has gone out the window. I have had 2 cups this whole pregnancy (I'm guilty of holding #2 right now) and for both I've gagged and suffered the whole way down. I know I shouldn't but hey - stubbornness runs in my family, and 2 cups in 10 weeks isn't going to harm anyone. Except maybe my sanity, sometimes - yelp!

Eating so much has definitely been a really hard new habit for me to maintain, I tell you! I am not naturally a big eater, so for me, a couple of snacks and a dinner is usually too much. Making snacks and meals constantly has left me continually out of ideas, searching Pinterest for new inspiration. And let me tell you, my art never looks like the inspiration. Unfortunately for you, my very old cell phone has such a poor camera that you couldn't tell Spaghetti Squash from Chicken Soup, so I haven't wasted any time attempting to share these disasters. What I will share, however, is two kicka-hh...kickbutt snack recipes that I have been craving and chowing all week, mmm!

(1) Cinnamazing Toast Spread
Ingredients
-Equal parts butter, cinnamon, and sugar (can use brown or white)
-Toast

-Toaster Oven

Directions
-Melt your butter for about 20-30 seconds in the microwave (depending on your heat settings)
-Mix in the cinnamon and sugar, taste - add more of either if desired, to taste.
-Toast your toast LIGHTLY (if you toast it "to the desired amount" like they say, you'll over toast it in the end! Gold or just before gold is a good color, here.)
-Butter up your toast, turn your oven to broil and pop 'er back in there! It's done when the butter is bubbling (if you have it, if not do another *light* toast on the toast setting)
-Enjoy!

P.S: You may want to play with the texture of the cinnamon spread - some like it more cooked because it develops a crunchy texture, others like it just warm (others still will toast the toast fully, put the butter on and eat as is - crazy people I call these ones.) Make what you desire!

(2) Cucumber SandwichesIngredients

-Even number of sliced cucumbers
-Mayo

-Cheese
-Deli Meat (or Tuna or Salmon or none of the above, whatever!)
-Optional: Cranberries, Crushed Almonds (or other Crushed Nuts), Thinly sliced veggies (i.e. carrot, pickles, whatever)

(Photo credits to http://chirowife.com/ as found on Google Images)

Directions
-Make mini sandwiches with the cucumber slices as your bread!
-Example (1): Layer cucumber, mayo, tuna, crushed pecan, cranberry, cucumber
-Example (2): Layer cucumber, cheese, sliced carrot, sliced tomato, mayo, cucumber

Make your own creations!

From Unemployed to Stay-At-Home-Mom?

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

I have been feeling at an advantage, lately. A large one, in fact. All over the internet, I have been reading stories of Mom's who were working steadily at jobs or towards careers, making progress, receiving promotions and raises, and then suddenly they're faced with pregnancy, and the idea of becoming a Mom. Some choose to be a Stay At Home Mom because they just knew it was what was right for them and their family, others chose to stay home because it was a better financial move than child care, some stayed home because their old school spouses encouraged it, and others for a multitude of other reasons. But one thing they all have in common is: they left their job. At one point or another, their pregnancy caused them to leave work behind, in the dust. Not only that, many don't start that leave until later in the pregnancy, when their maternity leave kicks in. Smart women - for that I am jealous of your abilities, ma'am. 

For me, though, I've been at an advantage (and a disadvantage.) Back in the summer of 2014 I faced a variety of physical issues that caused me to leave work for days, sometimes weeks at a time. They were all muscular (or so they felt) which put a huge damper on my ability to work, ugh. For me, at the time, I loved working. My love for work had subsided slightly to make way for my still honey-mooning relationship with my boyfriend Toby, but prior to our relationship I was what one might call a "workaholic", working at least 35-55 hours a week, and coming home to complete online schooling, because at the time I was going to graduate. But I didn't. I also didn't get to achieve any of the work accomplishments I wanted to. Lame.

In September 2014 my doctor announced I should take a short term medical leave from work and helped fight to get me on disability - which failed. I literally got laughed at by the lady at the Ministry of Social Development's office, and turned away to seek help on a website that might point me in a better direction. Being someone who already faces severe anxiety in her day-to-day life, this was actually a bit traumatic, to be honest. Not a nightmare tragedy, but I was certainly humiliated and feeling pretty low on myself. It wasn't just the doctors suggestion that kept me away from work - it was the constant debilitating pain that causes numbness in multiple parts of my body - sometimes an entire half at a time - that keeps me from walking normally, that keeps me from functioning. The same pain that has kept me here at home for 6 months now, because all the jobs I've seen include standing for hours on end, or having to lift heavy boxes and crawl up and down ladders all the time. Things I can't really do anymore.

February 6, 2015, I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend was there with me, we had an amazing time. I couldn't have asked for a better blessing in this lifetime. In less than 7 months, we will be holding our own little bundle of joy, our life and our happiness, our treasure. Something we made, together. A human function that I can finally do right for just one damn time in my life. I can't tell you how amazing this news was to our family, and how much it has influenced some amazing and positive changes in our home and lives. Wow.

So while I'm at a huge disadvantage for having this disability that makes life a little harder, sometimes a little messier, and often a lot more time-consuming, I'm also at a huge advantage. I have already become accustomed to sitting at home for long hours, and am getting better at house work (heh, can anyone really say they're good at this one?) I already have a routine at home, with my pets, with my life. Of course, I know it'll change with a baby, but it won't be a huge shock to me: suddenly being home all the time. It won't be a huge shock not getting the social life that women suddenly feel they lose, because my life has already altered my social life in a way that keeps it constantly a little deprived (which as an introvert, I truly don't mind!) I have already learned who my genuine supports are and where they lie, and won't have to go through the process new moms go through sometimes of weeding through friends who only cared until the novelty wore off, or who were not prepared to have a friend who reminded them of what was yet to come in their future (or of what wasn't happening in their present) or whatever darn reasons friends seem to consistently part ways when one becomes pregnant.

I look forward to the future and what it brings. I feel very blessed for the situation I am in, and for the friends and family I have who have all endured this in their own ways before me, and who can offer amazing advice now. I am also blessed to have friends and family who can recognize not all situations are the same, and give me and my boyfriend the space to enjoy our pregnancy the way our souls were intended to. It's going to be fun, I just know it.

XOX
Julie Maye

Deficits and Pregnancy

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Today is the day I get a highly anticipated test: an EEG. In other words, I'll be sitting in a chair hooked up to a variety of little stickers and wires that will be stuck to my head and scalp, looking somewhat helpless, like a science experiment of sorts. I will most likely be asked a series of questions and to do some basic functions like read and solve basic equations, so that they can monitor my brain function.

I am going in for this test because for the last several months I've been experiencing an enhanced variety of brain "dysfunctions" that I've had for years. Since this was a basically dormant thing that only would occasionally occur in my childhood, it was never something we really looked into. In fact, it was so fleeting and my responses and reflexes are so disconnected that I think adults took it as a sort of defiance, as though I were being ignorant and not listening, when in reality I could hear I just couldn't listen. When I was a child this was called "selective-hearing" and no one really thought anything of it - including myself - I gave up and started assuming it was normal and I was just overreacting to a totally normal thing. So, I didn't say much, I just experienced.

But, these last few months I've been having it come back with tremendous strength. I go for periods of time where I have blurred or double vision that features streaks, probably pretty similar to what life looks like through your drunk goggles. My body starts getting awful sensations of numbness, and/or pain, and/or tingling, and disconnection, where I feel incapable of responding accurately to things - my times are slowed down, my ability to recall memories and speech becomes impaired sometimes. Sometimes I get auditory and visual hallucinations, and miniature anxiety attacks from being confused about what's happening. At first they were getting chalked up to migraines or migraine on-sets because sometimes they were accompanied by a pain that feels something like a sharp pressure stabbing perfectly through my brain like a plus-sign, meeting in the very middle at the back. Other times it feels like a golf ball is inside the middle of my brain and it doesn't really hurt, there's just a lot of pressure. And then, the majority of the time, there is no pain accompanying the symptoms.

It has been a bit nerve wracking - living day-to-day with these symptoms lurking around the corner, never knowing when and if they'll strike, and if they do, never knowing how bad it will become. I have definitely stopped taking life so for granted, and honestly started living in a bit of fear because I never know how much is too much, or how long is too long. It seems that high stress (such as extreme emotions, or a high stress environment such as a super busy shopping mall) causes it to start, but I'm not sure if that's the only thing or not.

I look forward to finding out what is wrong, but I am also afraid. I am afraid of what that means for me, my future, my unborn child now, and in his/her future. I am afraid of how my abilities will be affected, I'm afraid that I may get my drivers licensed or other privileges pulled, and will no longer have independence. I'm afraid it will get worse and I will be permanently disabled, eventually. It's scary.

But at the same time, I am eager to find out, and to hopefully tackle a treatment plan to clean up the mess. Perhaps I can return my life to normal, or mostly normal one day, and live happily-never-after. Maybe I'll still get to live the life of a regular person. But, then again, maybe not.

Anyway, here goes nothing...

Cheers!
Julie Maye

10 Weeks...Wow!

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

I can't believe I'm already 10 weeks! That's over two whole months! Only seven left, ohmygosh!

The time passing seems so slow, yet so fast all at the same time. Each day drones on, sometimes it feels like all my time is being delicately balanced between eating and peeing. Gah! It's all I seem to do these days, twenty-four-seven I have a food routine like this: breakfast, snack, snack, pre-lunch, lunch, post-lunch, snack, snack, dinner, dessert, midnight snack, second midnight snack, third midnight snack, restart. I go to the bathroom about as often too. Oh, and belch probably double that amount, excuse me, sorry! And they say pregnancy is a feminine thing, ha! 

So far I've had a slurry of symptoms, and yet probably nothing compared to what's coming my way. (According to the internet, pregnancy books, friends, and family members, I've just barely blown the dust off of the cover.) Aside from the two aforementioned ones, I've also experienced nausea, irritability, moodiness, hunger, fatigue, lower back pain, hunger, a slight amount of sciatic pain and another nerve that runs through my hoo-haw that I never felt before (ouch!) And did I mention, hunger? 

Oh, and strange dreams. Let's talk about strange dreams. I've had everything from nightmares of my boyfriend cheating, to dreams of me nurturing and raising my cats (my "babies"). Oh, and one about my Siamese Fighting Fish eating a whole container of food then pooping out a nugget double his body size. (All the while I was crying thinking I was over nurturing and feeding him and that I was a bad owner and I killed him. But in the end he didn't die.) I also dream about the rain a lot and oceans. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for my severe anxiety of deep water, fish, and not being able to see my feet in the water (or anywhere, really, long grass, etc.) So, while all the magazines and websites are telling me these dreams are "calming" and help us feel what it's like to be in the amniotic sac like our babies or whatever, I'm actually freaking the eff out every time it happens. (Besides rain, I enjoy rain.) 

On top of physical symptoms, there's been a whole lot of emotional and mental ones. I constantly flip from anxiety to anger to tears to confusion to frustration to oh-my-god-what-the-hell-am-I-going-to-do-oh-my-god and back around again, randomly. It is a lot to take in, and just thinking about it makes me nauseated. I mean, half of me thinks I could be in a better place in life and that this really isn't the time and seriously what was I thinking? And the other half of me thinks: no one is ever ready, you're equipped with love what more do you need, you can do this stop panicking, just be happy for once dammit.

There are so many different things happening right now that even writing about it is making me anxious, wow. Maybe I should stop here! But I have to say, pregnancy has definitely been a ride! A fun one, so far. :) I look forward to the coming weeks!

Cheers
XOX
Julie Maye

It's Official...

Well, it's official: I'm a Mommy Blogger.

My handsome boyfriend Toby and I found out we were expecting on February 6th at a doctors appointment in Hope, B.C. It was an incredible, exciting, shocking, scary, and surreal moment in life - to know that inside my body there was another life growing, and that sitting next to me was the amazing man who made it all possible. I fought back tears through a huge smile, while watching over at Toby to see his huge, way-too-excited smile as he listened to the doctor. We left that day floating on a cloud, I'm pretty sure - me with a fist full of hand-outs from the pamphlet wall about caesarean sections and circumcision and D-Drops and anything else I could grab.

Our drive back home to Chilliwack was a blur beyond the excitement, both of us wondering how we got here, how amazing this was but still totally scary, questioning what we'd do and like many other new parents I'm sure - freaking the eff out. 

Let me back up a little - my appointment was supposed to be on January 27th, I was attending to discuss issues regarding my digestive disorder and my Fibromyalgia, as well as some other symptoms I was experiencing. While complaining about not wanting to go to the doctor that morning, I randomly got a phone call from the doctor's office explaining my doctor had to leave for an emergency and was rescheduling all of his appointments, so I got pushed back to February 6th - aka "The Most Amazing Day Of My Whole Freakin' Life". We kind of expected it - by January 27th I was already 5 days late for my period and was planning on asking for a test at the end to confirm. Missing the appointment that day ended up being horrible as I sat in agony for the next several days waiting to go. I could've gone to the store and bought a test, but I felt like if I did that I'd come home and find out I wasn't pregnant and was instead experiencing some other strange, horrible medical emergency. 

So, February 6th rolls around and Toby drives me up to my appointment. Of course, he came in with me - like he always does (bless him, he's amazing) and was right there for all of it. I wouldn't have had it any other way, and was so blessed that the very moment that I got my positive - he got it at the same time. For me, sharing that moment with my boyfriend was one of the most exciting, intimate, amazing, most incredible experiences I've ever had. I wouldn't change a thing about the moment, not one. 

After the appointment, when we got back into Chilliwack, finally with our positive in hand (er...uterus) we immediately went to a baby store and looked at the clothes. It just kind of helped the whole news sink in, and really added to the excitement of the whole day. We decided not to really tell anyone in the immediate moment, but we didn't exactly take our time in letting people know. By the end of the second week of us knowing, we'd been so excited we shared the news with everyone. Our idea was to share it on Valentines Day, but as it turned out I was so ill that entire week that I'd wanted absolutely nothing to do with technology and happiness. I just wanted to puke my heart out and sleep until the pain was gone. (Which it did go away after a week.)

It has been just a month since we've known now, but it feels like it's been forever! I am so excited, every day I feel my body working it's incredible magic to nurture, grow, and protect our sweet child and I just feel so blessed to be able to experience such a wonderful thing. I keep getting warned it will get awful, and while I'm sure the pain and experiences to come are going to be anything but pleasurable, I just can't help but remember that everything I'm experiencing is "normal" and the direct result of all the amazing things my body is doing, and it's all visible proof that it's doing a sound job. I feel so connected to my nature as a woman, sometimes. Other times, I feel so connected to my porcelain bucket, my body pillow, and my bag of chips or whatever I might be chowing down on at the moment.

Already this journey has been amazing, life - I mean. I look forward to this new chapter.

Cheers,
Julie Maye.