The Day I Knew It Was Baby's Kick

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

The date is April 29, 2015. The time was about 3:30 PM. I had been holding it fresh in my mind that I was all but positive that was some movement I felt last night, but I didn't know for certain. The dogs upstairs started barking, so I ran to the door assuming it was a knock, but no one was there. Irritated, I hollered at them to stop, then went back to my living room. It was literally just crossing my mind: were they kicks? Were they movement? Were they gas? What in the heck was it?! I wanted it to be the kicks. I wanted to be able to say "I've felt it! I've definitely, for sure, totally felt my baby move! It's not just a thought anymore, or a maybe, but I know 100%!" 

I sat down on the couch and scratched my kitties head a bit, and then leaned forward a bit to get comfortable at the computer. I started playing spider solitare and bang there it was. Undeniable, the most forceful one yet. And to top it, as I wrote that sentence "undeniable" I felt another one. Undeniable. Incredible. Breathtaking. My heart is melting with love, happiness, and meltiness. I have no words to describe the emotion in my heart right now. Amazing.

This is a day I will never forget.

Love

Julie Maye

Growing A Smart Fetus

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

One of the most important aspects of being a parent is having the responsibility of teaching your child the mandatory skills to grow and succeed in life. Typically, we hope our children will continue carrying this thirst for knowledge throughout their life, as this is generally what helps raise people from surviving to thriving and successful. As parents, we have the incredible opportunity for customizing these lessons and delivering them to our children in ways that they will efficiently grasp the knowledge and want to continue learning more. 

When it comes to teaching our growing babies, toddlers, and children, there are an incredible number of research papers and resources available to you. As much as we'd maybe like to, however, we cannot do much in way of teaching a child who has yet to be born. If you're like me, though, you're already questioning and researching the ways you can include learning into your daily lives to encourage continual growth and development in your baby. This is important, in my opinion, as the sooner we look into these matters, the sooner we can develop an opinion, and ultimately decide what position we would like to take when teaching different lessons to our children. We can also develop a wide range of background knowledge on these topics, to ensure that we have a variety of ways we can deliver each individual lesson, so that our children can confidently grasp these news concepts.

While I have no advice on how you can teach your unborn baby to walk, talk, dance, or play guitar, I do have something for you. Below, I have a list of 6 important factors in helping promote healthy brain and baby growth in the womb. Although we may not be directly teaching anything through this, we are encouraging a healthy foundation for all of our later lessons to be delivered to. Please note that I am not a medical physician, and I strongly advise you take the information you find below and elsewhere on the internet and always receive a second opinion from your doctor, to confirm that each method is safe for your unique pregnancy. (Not all women are the same, remember!)

1. Take Your Prenatal Vitamins

When choosing a prenatal vitamin, it is best to visit your local health store to receive the most accurate advice. While pharmacies are ideal, you can also find stores that are holistic health stores, and they will provide you with the best natural ways to receive the necessary amounts of each of the nutrients that are crucial to the healthy development of your little one. Not only do prenatal vitamins have zinc which is magnificent for healthy brain development, but they also include other substances such as folic acid which is thought to help minimize the risk of spina bifida and other birth defects.

2. Get Omega-3s with DHA

Omega-3 is excellent for pregnancy, but you can take it a step further and get Omega-3 with DHA for an even larger impact. Omega-3 is thought to have an incredible impact on the brains ability to function efficiently, as well as supporting overall healthy brain development. DHA, or Docosahexaeonic Acid, is thought to promote healthy brain development and protect neurological function. 

While you can also consume Omega-3 through fish, it is a good idea that you consult your doctor to discover which fish are safe for your pregnancy. In general, it is recommended that you avoid certain fish due to their potentially toxic levels of mercury contamination. These fish can include: shark, tilefish, king mackerel, tuna and swordfish. Some fish that are less likely to have toxic levels of contamination may be: salmon, catfish, pollack, whitefish, tilapia, and shrimp. You should not consume more than about 12 oz of fish per week. Make sure you consult your doctor (or prenatal health practitioner) for a thorough list of what's safe and not safe to eat during pregnancy.

3. Snack On Fruit and Veggies

It isn't news that fruits and vegetables are necessary elements of a healthy diet. They're also excellent tools for pumping antioxidants into your body during pregnancy. The same antioxidants that help protect baby's brain tissue from damage. It is best to choose deep-colored fruits and vegetables to receive the highest amounts of antioxidants (such as: dark leafy greens, papaya, blueberries, and tomatoes.) They also contain a variety of other nutrients that are important to the rest of your babies developing body and organs!

4. If You Haven't, Quit Drinking

Alcohol is a substance that should be kicked to the side during pregnancy and breast feeding. While Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is not typically a concern unless heavy drinking is involved, alcohol can still impose a threat to the health of your babies brain. Even when consumed in moderation, alcohol has been known to promote problems with learning, attention, memory, and social skills later in life. While I have heard from some ladies that their doctors have recommended a glass of red wine a day, I would strongly encourage you to get a second opinion on this subject. I am not a physician and am not attempting to go against the words of your doctor, especially since I do not know the reasoning behind giving this advice, but it may be beneficial to get a different perspective in case there is a healthier way of delivering the same benefits to your fetus. 

5. Can I get Protein with that, Please? 

During pregnancy, your protein intake must jump by 10 extra grams per day. This is because it helps in building cells and making hormones for your growing baby. Improving health of cell production ultimately includes improving brain health, too! Some excellent protein boosters include: a yogurt smoothie, a cup of bean soup, peanut butter on whole wheat bread, chicken, or lean beef.

6. Increase Your Iron Intake

Iron is an important element of your blood, and during pregnancy you can have up to 50% more blood coursing through your body - that's a lot! With all that extra, it's important that you're getting enough iron to carry the oxygen through your bloodstream. Generally, your doctor will screen your iron levels for anemia. This is done through a blood sample, where they also test a few other things to make sure you're in good shape! Your doctor will recommend a healthy amount of iron for you to add to your diet, although typically this can be found right in your prenatal vitamin. You can also enhance your intake by including in your diet iron-rich foods such as: lean beef, chicken, and legumes. 

Meditation and Pregnancy

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Meditation has been an important part of my life for roughly two years now. I am still considered new to the exercise, however I feel I have learned an incredible amount since I started practicing. While I am no master or guru, I would like to deliver my opinion on the subject, as well as my recommendations as to where you can find excellent meditations and information on the net. 

What is Meditation, Exactly?

According to the dictionary, the definition of meditation is: verb. To think deeply or focus one's mind for a period of time, in silence or with the aid of chanting, for religious or spiritual purposes or as a method of relaxation. That being said, meditation can have a wide meaning and purpose for many different people. Meditation has had a firm grasp on society for a long time, with roots dating as far back as 1500 BCE. Ancient India, China, and Buddhist India all have deep ties in the history of meditation, which all started showing up in documented history around the same time, beginning with the Hindu traditions of Vedantism.

What this means for you is that meditation is a long-used and well understood exercise. Whether you seek religious, spiritual, or personal information, growth, relaxation, space, or understanding, meditation can be a beneficial aid for you. In fact, many would recommend that everyone attempts to include meditation practices into their regular routines, as it is extremely beneficial to mental and emotional health.

How Can Meditation Benefit Pregnancy?

Both you and your unborn baby can benefit from meditation during pregnancy in significant ways. In fact, the Vivekananda Yoga Research Foundation conducted a study and found that daily yoga and meditation during pregnancy seems to improve birth weight, reduce premature birth, and lessen overall medical implications in newborn babies. 

Meditation has the ability to reduce anxiety and stress by incredible amounts, which is one of the most beneficial aspects of meditating during pregnancy. As many expecting mothers can understand, stress tends to run high at various points throughout the pregnancy. Stress and anxiety can cause a series of negative side effects for both Mom and unborn baby in ways including: increased risk for miscarriage, lead to premature delivery, increased labor and delivery pain, and more. You should note when reading this, however, that having regular stress throughout your pregnancy will likely not have negative effects on your fetus. In order to learn more about dangerous levels of stress, please consult your physician, as that is beyond my qualifications. 

Other benefits include higher endorphins that make pain more manageable (and has been noted to make delivery more manageable, as well.) Meditating can also lessen the need for caesarian sections and epidurals. In fact, research showed that of the females who meditated throughout pregnancy, there was a 56% decline in the needs for caesarian sections, and a whopping 85% less need for epidurals. Meditation also improves the bond felt between a mother and her child, as well as many other beneficial factors.

How Can I Start Meditating?
Meditating can be done in a variety of ways, but the best part is that you don't have to sign up for a class (unless you want to) and you don't have to wait. You can literally close your eyes right now and focus inside on your breathing, and be meditating. To bond better with your baby, and really maximize the benefit of the breathing exercise, place both of your hands gently around your belly. Place your focus beneath your hands, and focus on what you feel: warmth? Do you feel any movement? Breathe slowly. (Each time your mind wanders about, take notice and return your focus to breathing deeper into your tummy. If a thought happens to come to your mind, let it leave just as effortlessly as you pamper yourself with your full attention. It is ideal to try this for five minutes a day, adding more time as you feel comfortable to do so.

Another meditation you can utilize if you are wanting something specific is making a mantra and utilizing it during your practice. As you build strength with the method above (or when you feel comfortable to) add a mantra. Talk nicely to yourself with empowering words of encouragement. "We will have a healthy, strong, fulfilling delivery. I will get through this pain." "I am strong for me, I am strong for my baby." Whatever words make you feel strong in your heart, use those, and say them to yourself on a regular basis. 

Alternatively, you can turn to Youtube and search the words: "Pregnancy Meditation" or "Pregnancy Meditation Guided" and receive a variety of meditations you can follow that will help teach you how to meditate on something. Eventually, you may feel comfortable enough to move away to just a musical background, or even silence. This is how I started meditating two years ago, when I was having sleep issues and nightmares. It is still one of my most favored methods of meditation, as I have a wandering mind.

Meditation has the ability to benefit everyone, and don't we know that pregnancy is a time where we can take all the benefits we are offered! Even if you just want to start with short mental vacations, meditation can deeply benefit you and your unborn child. Keep an eye out for my next meditation article where I discuss how it can benefit young kids, when implemented as a part of a regular daily routine. 

Cheers

Julie Maye

Royal Baby Gaga Breast Milk Ice Cream - Say What?!

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Royal Baby Gaga Breast Milk Ice Cream is making news articles everywhere since the announcement of it's return. You may have seen this breast milk ice cream idea floating around back in 2011 for a while, but this year it is being launched right in time for the second royal baby's birth. Now typically, I'm not one to jump on these what's-trending band wagons, but this one was just too humorous for me to pass up.

The company behind this frozen humor is a London-based outfit known as The Licktators. When you visit their website ( which can be seen here: http://www.thelicktators.com/) you quickly learn that this is very real - and not the first of it's kind. In fact, The Licktators are also responsible for other comical flavors, including: Doughnut Disturb, John Lemon, Choc N' Roll Rehab, and more!

After a quick dig for some more information on this clever release, I came to learn that there was actually a much deeper purpose for this ice cream release. Not only was it intended as an adorable tribute to the soon-to-be royal baby number 2, but it also carried a punch in the breastfeeding community. According to People Magazine "...The Licktators teamed up with breastfeeding campaigner Victoria Hiley to toast the birth of royal baby No. 2 and raise awareness for breastfeeding in public..." What an awesome and positive spin on such a unique dessert! With all of the stigma on public breast feeding, it can be a real treat to have such a positive and funny outlook on the whole thing.

What's perhaps most interesting about this flavor of ice cream is the fact that they actually use real breast milk in the recipe. Of course, the donated breast milk is approved by the hospital prior to use, however for those of us with weak stomachs, this may be a big red flag. Fortunately, The Licktators also released a DIY Breast Milk Recipe that you can make from the comfort of your own home! (Meaning if you're not up for it: you can substitute the breast milk for something a little more palatable.) You can find the recipe here: http://www.thelicktators.com/baby-gaga-recipe.php. Unless you're willing to make it, however, you likely won't be able to purchase it from anywhere other than a few select London stores, and online. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk a melted breast milk surprise showing up in my mail one day. Not to mention, I'm not sure that I could get over the idea of eating breast milk, particularly that which is not mine! Still, this is a pretty adorable release. +1 for The Licktators!

What do you think? Would you try the Royal Baby Gaga Breast Milk concoction? Or would you try mastering the blend at home? Let me know! 

Cheers! 

Julie Maye

5 Things I Can't Wait To Experience With My Baby

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Every single expecting mother experiences the "I can't wait's", as I like to call them! That is, things like "I can't wait to see them smile!" or "I can't wait to meet my newborn!" And of course we do! Nothing compares to the painfully long, yet exciting 9 months leading up to the birth of a new family member. Especially when you're the parents. 

Personally, I have a list a mile wide and eight miles long in small font of the "I can't wait's". Oh yeah, it's bad. Many, many of my thoughtful moments have been spent pondering what life will be like with a new baby. Of course, being that I have never had a child before, nor have I really been around young children much in the recent past, I am also overwhelmingly nervous! In attempts to calm it down and focus, I have decided to share my list of the 5 things I can't wait to experience with my baby! 

What are yours? If you aren't expecting, feel free to chime in with what you were most excited for, or what you are currently looking forward to in your forever growing relationship with your children!

1. That First Smile
Honestly, I think this one is pretty high on just about anyone's list! What is not exciting about this wait? Will it be like Dads, or Moms? Will it happen right away, or will they cry? I can't wait to learn! This will be so exciting, after all these months, to see my little look up at me with unconditional happiness and love is going to be incredible. I can't wait. 

2. To Realize I've "Got It Down"Truly, my biggest fear is that my lack of being around small children in the past couple of years is going to leave me totally clueless and insane. I don't know why, my Mom ran a childcare facility from our home when I was younger. I know it will all come back to me as I'm doing it, and instincts will kick in, and I have help and resources for what I don't know. But I look forward to the day when I stop and realize we have a routine down, and we know what we're doing - for now. That will be nice. 

3. To Survive Being Peed/Pooed On

As of right now, I have yet to hear of a single new parent who wasn't the recipient of an unwanted baby present. Maybe it's when you're toweling off after a bath, or maybe it happened during a diaper change. As much as I wish I could avoid this, I am going to face it head on! I wonder where it'll be, and whether or not I'll vomit! (Truly, sorry future kiddo!) 

4. First Time I Hear Their VoiceWhat, oh what will my little sound like?! I can't wait to hear the voice that will chime in my ears for the next...rest of my life. I'm sure it will be the most beautiful voice, ever! 

5. The First Time They Reach Their Arms Out

You know, for a hug, or to be held. I can't wait for the first time I really feel needed, and get to physically see my hard work and long hours paying off for little's sake. It will be such a lovely feeling, I know. 

So, what are/were yours?! :)

My 3 Biggest Fears in My First Trimester, And How I Overcame Them.

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

I think it's natural that everyone has fears in their pregnancy. For me, consistently looking back on how I overcame my fears is essential in the process of me defeating future ones, as well. So far, I have had a few fears, but none that I couldn't manage. In other words, I came out of the other end of trimester one with a big huge success, and for that, I made myself an award. My fears were pretty standard to what I've seen elsewhere, so I have to admit that first and foremost a lot of my information and courage came from internet research, and lots of it. Plus, talking with my doctor and getting a well-rounded second opinion on subjects I have any concerns or questions regarding. 

1. What if I never stop getting sick?

The unfortunate truth that I've heard around the block is that for some moms, yes, this may be your new reality. For me, I stopped taking my stomach pills without being advised to when I suspected I was pregnant. This came out of another fear which I'll talk about in a minute, but was really a silly thing to do. In retrospect, I should have waited, and maybe contacted a pharmacist to get a proper insight as to what medications would and would not be O.K to take. Anyway, I ended up extremely ill, vomiting like crazy. I lost 10 lbs during those 3-4 days (that honestly felt like a week or two) that I was consistently getting sick. I was in the hospital for a few hours with my boyfriend, where he skipped work to take care of me at my bedside. I was put back on my medication, and given another medication to take that was intended for pregnancy nausea. Within' 3 days not only was my stomach returning to normal but I had a huge appetite. 

Some people are not as fortunate as I was, in the sense that I had an answer and a cure stamped next to my sickness. For some, bananas work, extra sleep, pregnancy-safe nausea medicine, and even just a bland diet can help. For others, hang in until the second trimester, I hear that's when it eases off for the majority of women!

2. What are people going to think?

This never should have mattered, but given my new family's current situation, I was worried that people would think I was unfit to be a parent. The truth is, there absolutely were people like that. They were extremely unwelcoming of the news, and intensely rude about it, too. What I learned, though, was my worry was that they would be right. In having those people think so negatively and poorly about our situation, I think I was granted the ability to see my own strength and develop a small foundation of confidence in my abilities that will be ultimately tested in the future. Basically, what others think doesn't matter. It's not like their opinions will change the fact that I am about to introduce the most beautiful little package into the world soon, with the most caring, honest, and loving man I could've ever hoped to be with. Are we a little earlier than hoped? Maybe. But does that mean we're incapable? Heck no. 

 3. What if I miscarry again?

The "again" isn't necessarily a worry for every woman, but I guarantee every newly pregnant lady has had the fear of miscarriage cross her mind at least once during these hectic twelve to thirteen first weeks of pregnancy. If you're lucky, you found out late, and you only have a few weeks to wait until you're in the clear. Or, maybe you have awesome mind control and don't worry about things like that. I, on the other hand, have anxiety and a previous poor experience backing my fear. For the ladies who also stand in my shoes (and of course, the others even right up to the super awesome mind control women) I can promise you this is a valid worry. The best thing you can do is lead a healthy life and ask plenty of questions in your doctors appointments, or with your midwife. Talk to friends, family, everyone. Get advice on how you can stay healthy. Or, if that makes you uncomfortable, just stick to the doctor and midwife. Tune the rest out. Whatever you do, don't look everything up on the internet. In fact, promise to yourself that you won't even look at the internet for anything symptom or body related - stick to Pinterest and it's wonderful selection of baby images. The internet brings unnecessary stress to a pregnant ladies' life - save that for later, right now, enjoy your news. When your doctor has put you in the clear, and you are confident that you have a healthy pregnancy underway, then use the internet (in moderation!) for other pregnancy related things.

Must-Do's While Pregnant!

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Honestly, waiting for little to come is one of the most intense things of my life. Between the anxiety, the excitement, the shopping, the preparing, the talking, and the relaxing, it's actually filled with a whole lot of waiting and longing! It seems like everywhere there is someone cradling their newborn, or their young child, and while I'm thrilled it sort of sucks! I am really excited for little to be here, and it just makes me so impatient when I think about getting to cuddle them and kiss their little face. But at the same time, pregnancy is not terrible, and I'm enjoying it (at least the most someone can enjoy something that makes them pee a little when they cough sometimes, bloat like a sponge, and find it all but impossible to find a comfy sleeping arrangement!)

Anyway, I definitely think there are some Must-Do's when you're pregnant, such as getting maternity photos, of course. Aside from the beautiful huge bump photos, a huge trend is to take progress photos typically every week. (We're doing it every other week until the 3rd trimester.) Some more good photos to capture would be photos of the good times you had with your partner when you were pregnant. (Or with a good friend if you are going to be a single parent!) This is a great way to track all the good times you had leading up to the birth of your child. It's also a great keepsake for those rough patches when you need a good reminder as to what everyone is there for. 

Another good idea, in my circumstances especially, is to have your animals get a routine vet check. It is important they are up to date on shots and the likes to ensure that A) they aren't bringing anything into contact with you or your newborn, such as ringworm, and B) your pets are well cared for prior to baby arriving, so you don't (or most likely won't) have any complications that will interrupt the already chaotic period of your new life. 

When you are pregnant, one of the most exciting things to do is shop for baby gear. Seriously, start looking as early as you want girl. (Even if you're not pregnant yet, and it's just a dream so far! We won't judge you girly, we were there once, too!) Added tip: shopping is a great time to get together with your friends, too! You're going to want to get in a lot of time with these guys, because you know you're going to be busy after baby comes! Of course, they'll be by your side to help, but your attention (and potentially sanity) will be anywhere but with them (100% at least, I'm sure!) Sometimes being pregnant can make it tiring or difficult to go out and do much, so don't feel bad about just asking them to come over for a movie night one night, while you send your partner off for an evening with his/her pals (or keep them in too, it's whatever you want!) Either way just make sure you let your friends know how important they are to you, because your good-friend persona might be out the window for a while in the near future while you manage your life as a new mom. 

Eat what you want, and then eat some more. Seriously, unless the doctor has given you restrictions, you eat whatever you want. (Well, keep in the back of your mind that there needs to be healthy in there, too.) But, if you want to eat something totally ridiculous, or maybe just a totally insanely large portion of food, you just go right ahead, lady. No body is stopping you - and so they shouldn't! Seriously, I ate almost a whole cake from the local grocer in under a day - leaving only 2 pieces for dessert to share with my boyfriend. Of course, take your vitamins, and get healthy food, too. Your health is important to the babies, after all. But honestly, how often do you get a really good excuse to eat like a trucker, or maybe even worse? Yeah, that's right. Go for it! 

Start a pregnancy journal, if that's your type of thing. It's not mine so instead, we're starting a pregnancy scrapbook. For me, as much as I love writing, I have a hard time staying motivated to write in it every day (or even every week!) So, instead, we are taking plenty of pictures of everything, and printing them out to put in an album, where we will probably include short blurbs about our experiences and what this journey was like for myself, and for T and I as a couple.

Finally, my last piece of advice is to attend a parenting class, or a lamaze class, or get a midwife or a doula, or something. Get some pregnancy support. Being a new mom (particularly on your first go) is a huge thing, and no matter what I don't think we ever fully feel prepared. Attending a class or having someone who you can communicate with on a regular basis is a huge stress reliever for your mind, plus, it can really have some added benefits! Not only will you learn new things, and meet with other soon-to-be parents, but you will also bond with your partner and your baby. Plus, it's a great way to pass the time and make the whole experience feel a lot more real! 

Until the next time, friends!

Julie Maye

5 Motivational Quotes

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

In the non-parent life, I have filled much of my time with learning about how to become a happier, healthier, more resilient person. Many hours have been invested in sitting and lying down and turning myself inward for a type of experience, typically relaxation, motivation, healing, sometimes simply silencing all my thoughts, because that's what I need. I want to try and carry this over into my parent life, as I strongly feel it has encouraged me to lead a healthy, calm, and much more positive life than I previously have. 

So, I have concocted an awesome list of 5 motivational quotes to help get me started, on the days where I get consumed and feel like it's just not worth my time. Let's remember, meditation can be just 5 minutes of time, it can even be done while falling asleep. Anyone can work it into any day. And if it's not your thing, then maybe just seeing these quotes will give you a little boost inside. :)

Cheers!

Julie Maye

1. "In the end, only 3 things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully  you let go of things not meant for you." - Buddha

This quote inspires me in so many different ways. I have ultimately trained my mind to bring these words forward at each precious moment (even the passing ones, like waving goodbye to my boyfriend as I drop him off for work, because one day we'll be in much better living conditions, and he will drive himself, and I will stay home with our kids and get them prepared for school, and our special moment will be a round of hugs and kisses for everyone. And it will be just as special.) It is so important to be able to stop and really appreciate all these moments, so you don't get overwhelmed by the every day junk that sometimes clutters our minds and our ability to feel happy. 

2. "Freedom is not given to us by anyone; we have to cultivate it ourselves. It is a daily practice." - Thich Nhat Hanh

I have not used this quote a lot in my child-free life, but that does not mean it hasn't had meaning for me in reading it. Going forward, this quote really makes me think of how many Mothers complain that they do not get enough "self" time or "freedom" from the daily grind. I want to keep this quote near to remind me that I need to make my own freedom, and to help me come up with ways that I can have that in my new life. (Such as with meditation!)

 3. "A man asked lord Buddha 'I want happiness.' Lord Buddha said: 'first remove 'I', that's ego. Then remove 'want', that's desire. See, now you are left with only 'happiness'." -Unknown

Many Mom blogs I have read have write ups about how the 21st century Mom is held up to a ridiculous level of expectations, because we have social media helping us to 'compare and compete' with each other. First and foremost I want to vow to never feel in 'competition' with another parent, because their life with their child is wildly different than mine, and that is unfair to myself. Secondly, I want to remind myself that it is not important to do everything perfectly, we don't have to have the best clothes, the best house, the best car, always mow our lawn, always have a clean house, always have matching clothes on ourselves and our kids, etc. etc. What's more important is we're all thriving, and leading positive, loving, happy lives together as a family. Period.

4. "It's better to be a failure at something you love, than to be a success at something you hate." -George Burns

With my fears of following in my own Mom's angry footsteps, I want to use this quote to remind me to ALWAYS try to do better. ALWAYS try to defeat the anger with love, no matter how hard you try. I'd rather be a Mom who tries hard to be a positive influence in her child's life, than a Mom who masters "winning" because that's what's more important to her. It is never more important to win than it is to love.

5. "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." -Unknown

This is just a good all-around life quote. I love the meaning it has, and how versatile it is to any situation.

Celebrating 105 Days Of...

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Today I am celebrating being 105 days (yep, my whole pregnancy - so far) free of public pregnancy meltdowns! I know I am not nearly in the clear with roughly another 168 days to go, and sitting in the "honeymoon" period right now of course, but I am happy to have made it this far! From all of my pregnancy reads and many "new-mom to new-mom" buddy advice, I have heard that pregnancy can be a terribly anxious, upsetting, frustrating period for women who are preparing for such a huge life-changing event. While I can't say I have been completely free of worry (I am actually scared to the deepest of my core) I haven't really had any severe meltdowns - public or not! (Only about two bouts of crying, both of which cleared up with laughter, woo hoo!) 

Being a sufferer of anxiety and depression, I was definitely worried that at every new-mom revelation I had (new responsibilities, new expenses, so many expenses, new clothes, new body, new life, new role, more new responsibilities, and on and on) that I would freak out harder than I am. The truth is, every time I feel myself on the verge of freaking out, I just get thrown into this "action" phase where I feel the need to get stuff prepared, and done. I've heard this can be an early warning sign of a later and much more emotional melt down, but I am remaining positive and hoping I can still avoid the worst of it, at least! So far, at every new turn, I've been nothing but excited! Except for my more frequent and more severe fibromyalgia flare ups and the inability to take any truly effective medicine...that whole aspect can go to, erm, you know where. 

I keep looking forward, knowing that each day past is another one I won't get to enjoy during this pregnancy, so I like to try and think on how exciting it all is - the bodily changes, finally putting on some weight (hehe), getting to enjoy comfier and baggier clothes, getting to eat more, laughing at crazy and strange cravings, having not only a hyperactive sense of smell, but also an imaginary one (who knew you could mysteriously smell the first body spray you ever owned when you were 9, followed by fresh popcorn, and then your favorite essential oil all back to back while at the same time realizing none of these things are anywhere to be found around you!) plus several other things. I can basically think of a food and taste it now, that's pretty cool. Except when it's not. It's the exact same as when you eat a few chips, and get the taste in your mouth. Then you need to eat several more until your stomach hurts, maybe the bag is empty, your mouth burns with such intense flavor, you're dying a little inside from contentment of finishing a chip bag, backed by this holy crap fatty, you just finished the entire bag feeling inside of you. Try dealing with that at 3AM, when you don't even have the chips you taste to begin with! Good luck getting back to sleep until a decent hour to make a trip to the store - that is, if you haven't moved on to seven different cravings between now and then, and then ended up confused on what you actually want. (Oh, and apparently you're not allowed to buy the whole snack food aisle, mostly because you can't afford it. LOL) 

Anyway, I am celebrating today - 105 days of me being in public (and private) with basically no freak outs. So far, I am on track with having a happy and positive pregnancy, and while I'm not the poster lady for this sort of thing by any stretch of the word (I have DEFINITELY had my "f@#& this! T, it's your turn to be pregnant, I'm done!" moments - more than once!) I am doing pretty well. I am extremely excited to become a Mother, and to watch the love of my life become a Father. It's going to be such a fantastic experience, no matter what our circumstances are. The fact is, as long as there is a roof for all of us, food in our tummies, warmth on our bodies, and health in our systems, I think we will do just fine. And we can only get better from here. I can't wait. 

Cheers

Julie Maye.

Beating Around The Bush

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

It seems like since becoming pregnant, a lot of the issues in my life have become apparent, and unfortunately some new ones have arose. This is both a little frustrating, and very relieving. Relieving because many of these issues (aside from the new ones, of course) were suppressed and ones I'd wanted to deal with for a long time. Many people have a tendency to cling to unhealthy things because they're familiar, and lets just say I'm not immune to that tendency. 

I don't want to air my dirty laundry online because that is tasteless, but I do want to try and express myself in a functional way, because writing is my healing. Which may also be why my writing bounces from one thought to another and back again, is because I'm not always writing to make sense, but I am writing to heal. Today, I am thinking it will be both! 

Something that has become apparent to me with these new issues, is just how unsettled these old ones were. That is because these new ones only include me in a very indirect way, but they are a spitting image of old ones I faced during many horrible years of my childhood and teenage life. Essentially, they have slowly been bringing more and more up of what I had dealt with in the past, but never healed from. Which is almost making it worse, because my contributions are then a little too personal, a little too emotional, and a little harder to control. Of course, I have been doing an extremely good job at keeping these emotions and contributions to a very private level and they have yet to bubble over to ever meet the ears of anyone else involved aside from my boyfriend. This is because I am using our venting sessions and this writing as a measure of assessing my thoughts and attempting to act in rational and healthier ways, as opposed to my old very destructive ones. 

Of course, now that these old unsettled emotions have been stirred, it has been a bit chaotic in my brain. Partially because I am trying to provide healthy support and partially because this means I have to now take my own advice and turn around and deal with my own issues so they don't just fall dormant and become an issue again in the future. (Did I mention this isn't the first time they've been brought to my attention, just that it's the first time I've ever had to do anything about it in a healthy and productive way both to support my mental and physical health for the baby in the immediate situation, and to prevent having these unhealthy situations get worse, or continue to impair my life, as well as add to the level of destruction new ones are clearly causing. 

So, this has driven me to seek out counseling and support throughout the community so I can access better tools to deal with these issues. But in all honesty, it doesn't feel like they're coming nearly fast enough...maybe because I've waited so long, and maybe because it is actually a bit of a slow process so I definitely should've started much sooner. But it's better late than never. There's just too much for me to be able to deal with it on my own at this point, I have accessed all the round thoughts I can think of, attempted to assess the situation from multiple angles and try and use better measures, and it seems like I'm just so used to not doing these things that I end up reverting to my old ways as soon as they don't work and I don't have support encouraging me to keep it up anyway. As well as a low desire to keep it up myself because why bother when it's clearly not working? But maybe someone to stay on my butt will help, because it seems to help for others!

It is really frustrating to deal with these things. I wish I knew already. I wish I didn't have to deal with them. But at least I am learning a lesson regarding my future, how to better interact with others, how to have healthier relationships, and the most important: how to teach that to my child. I hope that in the end this all works out and if nothing else, I grow a hundred fold from where I sit today. I may never be able to change who I am around or choose better people, but I can learn how to interact with them in ways that are not destructive to myself - no matter how destructive they are choosing to be. I need to learn to be assertive but not aggressive, defensive but not closed minded, and more importantly, to be less emotionally attached to my past and more positively attached to my future. 

I am confident I will make it, and no level of anyone's dissatisfaction in me will ever hamper my ability to find satisfaction and happiness within' myself because I live for me and for my family, only. The rest are a lovely luxury that will always come and go. (And yes, my very close few friends are considered family.)

Cheers

Julie Maye

Fibromyalgia and My Life: Unmedicated.

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Lately it has come to my attention that some people are a little concerned about my choice to medicate for my Fibromyalgia during pregnancy. While I'm not comfortable sharing how I medicate publicly, for those of you who know, I want you to have a reason, and for anyone else whose otherwise curious about any of this, I want you to know. 

I live with a condition called Fibromyalgia, Fetal Alcohol Effects (a lesser case of the well-known "syndrome" that develops in utero) as well as an undiagnosed stomach condition that is loosely controlled with medicines. On top, I also have anxiety, depression, and I show symptoms of PTSD on a fairly regular basis. The reason why I choose to share what my daily life is like, is to hopefully help others understand a few things. One of those being why I medicate, but the rest hopefully being explanations as to why I may or may not do things certain ways, or why some things I don't really do at all. It helps to bear in mind that these are chronic illnesses that I deal with daily, yep - every single day. I will live with these illnesses until I die, and for that I have prepared myself. But it helps when others understand that saying things such as "suck it up" or "just get over it" are not valid, because they are not possible for me. I am not saying this from a wimpy I-don't-want-to-do-it stance. I am saying this from the position where I've tried to do that (suck it up and just get over it) and it absolutely does not work, it has made everything a lot worse.

So, being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia is basically being told you have to somewhat baby yourself for the rest of your life. I'm sure this is a good thing for my anxiety and depression, but it sometimes contributes to it. How many 19 year old people are going to feel happy or proud that they are sometimes incapable of walking, using fine motor functions, or even speaking? How many people in general are going to be able to suffer with symptoms as debilitating and these, and not face further anxiety and depression? Few to none, I'm sure. Fibromyalgia has taken a lot of my life away from me.

It is suspected that as a child, my Fibro existed as a lesser case of sensory impairment, as I was always very sensitive to touch, to the point that someone grabbing my arm in gym class could turn me to a teary eyed wreck, feeling like my arm had been broken. As I grew older, these pains became a lot worse, but I also became a lot better at being able to explain them. I have also been a lot better at explaining the feeling where my brain all but "shuts down" and I lose the ability to communicate and fully understand my thoughts (they're there and I think them, but cannot understand what the thought means, even when it's as simple as producing a response to a yes or no question.) My doctor has told me this is the likely effect of my Fetal Alcohol Effect (FAE), as children and people living with these symptoms tend to get a "brain overload" and it essentially just stops. It causes my anxiety to get really high and can send me to tears if I'm trying too hard to communicate, because the harder I try the less I am capable of it. 

During the day, Fibromyalgia gives me the sensation of many crushing bones at different points. There is a picture floating around the internet that says "this is what Fibromyalgia feels like" and it looks like the person got struck by lightening and there are lightening-bolt-shaped bruises all over their entire body. There isn't anything more accurate than that to describe how your skin and muscles feel 24/7, across your entire body. Pain medication makes me disconnected from this - I feel the pain but the "ouch" factor is gone - imagine those tooth numbing agents at the dentist - with enough force the pressure can hurt, and later after the numbing disappears you may feel leftover pains. Enough force, though, is someone squeezing you in a hug, or bumping you too hard in a store aisle. It is not that hard to break through the pain pills threshold and once you feel the pain a bit, it returns to full force at an accelerated rate. 

When I don't have medication, however, those bruises are intensified. They are more like burns. Sometimes it literally feels like my skin is on fire, and when people touch me, their skin is like a torch. The pressure of laying in bed can worsen it, as can the pressure of standing, sitting, walking, or almost anything else. Hot showers help quite a bit, but the relief is short lived. The bottom of my feet feel like they have been beaten with hammers, so when I stand it is even worse than the feeling of standing on a cement floor for a 10 hour shift (I know - I've been there, done that.) It is actually crippling, and has driven me to tears on more than one occasion. When I walk, it takes me about 2-3 minutes to start getting severe pain in my hips, as though someone has plunged their fingers deep into the joint and then started yanking my hip out from my body. After about 4-5 minutes they get very hot and almost numb. It takes about 10 minutes for them to feel numb and weak, which means when I get home and I can feel them again, I will suffer big time. In fact without medication, I would probably walk with an extremely crippled limp in both legs from the amount of pain. I cry a lot when I don't have medicine for the pain, these days, as it has gotten so bad. Without it, I cannot move my arms out more than about 4-5 inches from my body, which means I have a hard time changing my shirts by myself, I either end up wearing them for an extra day while I sit at home embarrassed that I cant dress and undress myself, or end up crying in sheer pain from forcing my arms into a position that literally feels like they're being broken off of me. Simple tasks such as typing on a computer or on my phone are nearly impossible because my fingers don't move the way I want them to so they often miss the buttons. Or sometimes they don't and they hit too many, and that becomes "thausht". Which is funny when its one word, but a piss off when its the entire message. And no, auto correct has no idea what I'm trying to say at that point, either. When speaking out loud, my jaw often gets stiff, which causes me to have a hard time talking because I can't open it. I get a funny voice because I talk through clenched teeth like I'm scared or angry, but only because I can't find the ability to open my mouth. This also leads to severe tension headaches that on their own can stop me from walking or contributing to life very much.

Obviously, living such a debilitating life can lead to huge depression and anxiety. I also get flashbacks to various terrible times in my life where I experienced abuse both physically and mentally, as well as to other points that I will not mention here. These flashbacks can lead to intense episodes of fear, anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, or sometimes they can lead straight into one of the things where I can't speak, so I go from an intense and terrifying flashback, to being incapable of communicating and thinking, and full of even more anxiety and fear. 

So, trust me when I say I know medicating during pregnancy is not ALWAYS the best scenario, and when avoidable - it should be avoided at all costs. But I hope this leads you to understand that without any level of relief, I would literally not be able to live a life beyond being curled up in bed crying on and off. And for a few months whenever I wasn't working that is exactly what I did was lay in bed and cry. And then try to look strong and O.K. for when my boyfriend was home so he wouldn't have to feel like I was a burden. Now that I am pregnant, I am using a non-conventional form of medicine, and due to morals and beliefs, many people are questioning this decision. I want it to be known that this has been explained and talked to in full with my doctor, and I am using it as is deemed O.K., and am fully aware of any and all consequences that may occur. The route of medicine I have chosen has the least affects on the baby, while still enabling me to live a semi-regular life. At most, we will deal with a slower learner, and potentially a smaller birth weight. But even this is not being considered a big risk for our child by our doctor, and so we have agreed that it is the best option. 

Thank you for your time, and for trying to understand life from my shoes, and trying to understand that we are doing our absolute best to make the best possible educated decisions regarding our family, as we want nothing but the best for our baby and our family.

Cheers

Julie Maye xoxox

If I Were Any Luckier, I'd Be A Horseshoe

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Every woman dreams that when she is expecting her first child, she will be shielded in the arms of her own personal prince charming - whether he be a buff biker dude, a modern sales type, high class, a bad boy, a bit nerdy, sporty, or whatever else the heart desires. For me, my prince charming is about 5'9", light brown haired (with a red hue that he's very proud of), green eyed, "averagely" built, and has a ginormous heart. 

Knowing that this dream doesn't always come true for everyone makes me feel blessed in knowing that it has come true for me. Although we are not married, my boyfriend and I have been happily dating since November 12th, 2013, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We have both agreed that we would never want a baby to simply be the reason we get married, and so we are going to continue dating until we decide the time is right, just as we would have if our little miracle wasn't on the way. The reason we have made this decision is not because we don't love each other enough already. It is because we love each other so much that we are confident that we can make this work, despite flaws we may encounter, and because we would love for our first child to be it's own independent blessing aside from our wedding which will be even more special now as it will be witnessed by the miracle we created together. This confidence in each other makes our relationship even more special to me, because as you may have read previously, I'm a rather closed person from experiencing parental neglect as a child. It makes me personally feel like I am on top of the world knowing that my patience and faith in my ability to find happiness is proving worthwhile, despite me sometimes not being able to see that.

I don't want to attribute all of my happiness to my boyfriend, because then that would be an unhealthy relationship - all of your happiness shouldn't lie in someone else. However, I will say that my boyfriend has encouraged me to seek my own happiness, which I lost for a long time and for a while decided I was no longer searching for it. T has reminded me that nothing should stand in the way of me and my happiness, and that I am worth being loved - by myself and by others. 

T has been with me through a lot of crazy arguments, and even stuck with me through a tiny ridiculous break up one week after we started dating. (Yes, our *official* anniversary was October 31st but this fool decided to let anxiety get in the way and question whether or not she could handle the commitment.) We have grown a lot together, and independently, and I think that makes our relationship pretty amazing, too. 

As a child, I never thought fairy tales were true. I always lived guarded, with low expectations for life quality, hoping that when I grew up I would be able to use my adult freedoms to find that happiness. I didn't think I would just be tearing out of the flood gates when my man would trip me and steal my heart with a big smile. Heck I don't even know if I left the gate or if I more exploded out of the front and was caught by him.

T found me in Futureshop when I was the new girl, and struck a conversation with me. At first I was unsure about him, as I was with every one, but his silliness and friendliness captured me and we decided to start hanging out. That was one of the best moments of my life. His charming, caring, understanding personality captured me after that. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I would've found the exact man I'd always hoped for - someone who listens (for the most part), cares, fights as hard as I do (if not harder), not only understands but helps me break from the shells of my past, and so much more. I feel like such a lucky woman.

I know our child will feel just as blessed as I do to have such a brave, caring, amazing, talented, sensitive, supporting man for a father. My handsome boyfriend is a shining star for what kind of amazing parent I want to be for our child, and he is an inspiration for me to consistently do better, and that is how I know I have given my heart to my soul mate. No matter what we will always be attached at the heart.

I love you, baby.

Love, 

Julie Maye.

Jumping Hurdles One By One

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Today I am visiting with a lady from Best Beginnings to help me throughout my pregnancy. I am not 100% sure what the program does or supports, however I do know they provide support to expecting Mothers and Fathers and that this is our first pregnancy so we are going to need all the support we can get. 

Today I also made a huge step in the right direction. 

Typically, my anxiety gets the best of me and I sit at home beating myself up until I get so scared that I cancel or delay my plans with some excuse as to why I have had to cancel or delay. I would talk myself out of it or talk to someone who I knew would talk me out of it, and then just not do it. Then I would feel guilty inside for days after knowing that the real reason I didn't go was because of my own fear of people, social circumstances, and more. 

Since I am holding myself accountable for my actions and responsible for my own getting better, I have decided to reach out for help. Although I strongly doubt Best Beginnings is some form of pregnancy therapy for people, it is a huge step for me to follow through on plans and go meet someone new, as well as for me to reach out for help on anything and then accept the help I get in return rather than allowing for that same anxiety to help me back out of it. I think the main reason I am doing this is because I know I have to. Not because someone is pointing a gun to my head or threatening my well being (well, technically I'm threatening my own if I don't do it), but because the one thing I have always said is that the cycle of the abused children becoming the abusive parents in my family is going to stop with me. At least as much as I can ensure it does. 

I don't want my children growing up wondering why their Mom is so scared, or thinking that it is okay to submit to these excessive emotions simply because we don't think (being the key word) we're capable enough of doing something (or of doing it "right" in my case.) I also don't want to grow up with my fear instilling their own deep fears on them and hindering their ability to openly accept the world as it comes to them. Am I going to be able to raise little angels that smile and giggle and do as their told and come home with perfect grades every time? No way - I expect tantrums and breakdowns and freak outs. I expect to be told I'm hated at one point or another because that's what teenagers do. But I would much rather be hated because I didn't let my son or daughter go out late on a Saturday night, rather than hated because I bore so much anger and exerted that on my family on a daily basis. I don't want to be hated because my own lack of desire to get treatment keeps me damaging myself and others every day for the rest of my life - particularly those who don't have the ability to defend themselves against me, which seems to be the verdict in my family, not just with myself and my Mother, but for generations prior. 

Today I am going to go speak to this lady with an open mind, and if I decide the program is not for me then I will choose not to make a second meeting. I want to make sure that at every given opportunity I am always openly choosing what is best for my family and me equally, and not just what is best for myself. 

Cheers

Julie Maye

Reflection, Revelation, Reinvention [1]

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

For weeks now I've been contemplating this post. First and foremost I couldn't decide as to whether I wanted to start this story and share this journey on my personal blog, or on my "Mommy" blog. I wasn't sure as to whether or not I wanted this to be associated with my Motherhood, but I've come to realize that this story and this information is some of my most critical insight as to how I will manage and conquer the life of a Mother. It will also hold me accountable for all of my actions and future achievements and lessons, because it is no longer just for myself, but for partner, our child, and our family. 

Many times in the past when I attempted to share this story, I lost control with anger, hurt, and frustration, and ended up producing words that were only capable of causing harm. These stories shared the truth of my life, however not in a polite manner that I felt reflected the person I am now, and the person I am working to become. Instead they were direct, raw, and often purely hateful. Admittedly, they did reflect exactly who I was then, and every single story that I erased, or decided against publishing in my blog was exactly what I needed to read and write to myself, in order to see how bitter and angry I was becoming, as well as to give me the opportunity to make the decision right here, right now as to how my past will affect the rest of my future. 

I finally feel ready to share my story in full, brutal honesty. If any opinions, thoughts, or facts offend anyone, I apologize, but I can assure you that they are not placed to cause hurt, they are placed to explain my pain and current self. So, here we go.

I am what one might call a mutt of the human race. I come from a lady who I barely know, who (I've been told) has Fetal Alcohol Syndrom (FAS). She birthed me at the young age of 18, and was gone by the time I was 6 months old. My father was a bit older than her, and I ultimately know nothing of him. I have never met him in my life. Essentially, I coin myself a "mutt" because I come from "poor bloodlines" and it is extremely evident in my physical, mental, and emotional processes. I like the way it adds humor to my situation, because like a mutt, I still have the ability to be beautiful and to flourish and grow, despite any deficits I may have stowing away in my baggage.

My biological parents were forced to either adopt me out or surrender me to social services after my Step-Grandmother on my birth Mom's side took me to the clinic one weekend, only for them to discover my collar bone had been broken, there were hand marks around my wrist and there was a cigarette burn on the end of my nose. To this day, I have no idea who did that - out of everyone involved in the situation, I've never once received the same story. I decided to blame everyone and no one at the same time, but to the jerk who did it and won't speak up, I will admit: I harbor hurt and frustration inside that I will never receive closure for and to that you will live with karma in your life.

I was adopted to my Great Aunt and Great Uncle, who will be known as "Mom" and "Dad" in this blog. It is what I call them in real life, and have since I could speak. Throughout my childhood, my Dad was always working and rarely home. When he was home, he would be tired from work and often would lay and watch TV most of the time, but when he wasn't too tired he would take me for a walk to the playground or to ride my bike around the block. Sometimes when we had a day together we'd walk the dog, too, but he was a guard dog so unless Dad was really awake and feeling capable of fending off any potential fights, we didn't really get to do that often. My Mom ran a childcare, and I made a lot of friends there that came and went often. Some stayed for a long time, two in particular that I've kept for almost 16 years now, and another one that I've known for just about 12 years. I had a lot of friends growing up from school, child care, daycare meet-ups my Mom would attend fairly regularly, and within' my family on my Dad's side. It almost sounds like after the baby incident I should've had a perfect life.

Except I didn't. When I was a very young child, I was touched inappropriately by one of my friend's Dad's one afternoon while I was visiting her house. Since then I have suffered from many things, but since this is a Mommy-based blog I can only share in so many details and to my embarrassment most of the content is too explicit. I can tell you, however, it doesn't come without a high amount of shame and guilt, which leads to deep emotional and mental problems that I suffer of. To be completely honest, I have many parts of the memory blocked out, and have never sought help for this topic, and it is only in recent months that I admitted this. Up until this time, only one counselor knew about it, ever. During counselor sessions I will be having in the future (that are being arranged by my prenatal doctor) I will be doing a lot of healing on this subject, as it is one of the main sources of a lot of my pain and trauma, and I believe healing will drive me in the direction I need to be in in order to be able to prevent this in my child's life, but to also prevent myself from being over-protective with them around others. 

My Mom is also a very unloving person and lacked the ability to show compassion or care. This lead to many fights, a lot of emotional abuse, and a lot of threatened physical abuse. While it's not my business to share much, my Mom was emotionally abused as a child to a high degree as well as had very rough living conditions (Mother passed when she was young & Father severely disabled). In one aspect I have been raised by my Dad to believe it's not her fault. In another I've been raised that everyone (especially adults) must be held accountable for their own actions, and many don't. To this day my Mom claims she doesn't remember all of the times she threatened to hit me and when I told her I would call the cops she'd say "go ahead, then I'll really beat you to make sure it's worth it when I get f---ing locked up." She did many other things as well, and claims never to remember any of it - and when she does, she remembers it in reverse, as though I were the one making the threats or dealing the abuse. My Mom had a tendency to ridicule me and make me feel as though she was just a normal person joking, and I was being overly sensitive and was incapable of taking jokes. She would tell me that my birth Mom's FAS and poor habits when she was pregnant had affected me and that I was "different" than others, and that was probably why I would get so angry and upset. She refused to understand that it was her abusive, rude, and cruel actions that were causing it. Moreover, she refused to believe she was doing anything wrong. She still does. 

In a way, almost every irrational fear, lack of confidence, over-reactive outbreak, and bout of depression or anxiety can be linked back to my Mom and how she treated me as a child, and how she continues to treat me as an adult. What's worse though is that due to her inability to remember (or at least telling me she doesn't remember - her face says she does) I have a hard time holding her responsible, and hold myself responsible. It is unfair, because that is exactly what she has conditioned me to do: as a child I had no way to defend myself against her, nor should my small actions such as not putting my dish in the sink have caused such outrageous reactions from her. I was groomed to believe, however, that I was driving her to insanity with my inability to do as I was told, and deserved every bit of hate she crammed my way my whole life. 

It is painful for me to live every day knowing that many of my actions are so deeply rooted in this mess. I have been told that there is a strong likelihood that I suffer of PTSD and I definitely believe this is true. Each day, I deal with horrible, traumatizing, debilitating, extremely real flash-backs that put me back as far as being a young child longing to be loved and wanted, but only ever being told that she was unloveable, horrible, shameful, didn't belong anywhere, and had no where to run and get help. I have flashbacks to standing with my back in a corner of a room with my Mom's hand in her face and her screaming at me about how I'm lucky she doesn't beat the shit out of me, or I'm lucky my Dad will be home soon. About how my birth Mom hated me, and she hated me, and no one would ever like me because I'm ugly with funny teeth (had very crooked buck teeth as a child) and had a bad attitude. 

Anyone who knew me as a child and who knows me now knows that I am a people-pleaser and that ever since I was born I have always been the kind to hug strangers, make others laugh, and go out of my way to make people smile. Over the years, I have lost a lot of these traits because they were punished out of me. As a child, I would pick flowers and leave bouquets on strangers' doors with a small note attached saying "have a good day" or something. I would donate my stuffed animals and was always a friend to anyone who didn't have one, or needed an extra. I never said no to anyone in need of help, ever. I always donated when I saw a bin, I'd beg my parents for coins to help the kids or the dogs or whatever the charity was. No one would have ever suspected I'd become this introverted, hurt, hermit of a person who is incapable of even being herself anymore. 

Inside, I still am that giving person. When I am in a good mood and away from my home and am being my honest self, I am such a happy person. Sometimes I even feel happier when people are attracted to my pretty smile, rather than embarrassed or worried that they think I'm crazy or ugly. I want to be more me, and I am going to be. Day by day, whether it's alone, with help, or in a full blown psych ward, I am going to get better. I have said this so many times, and each time I have gotten much closer to being able to fully admit my problems, because each time I have been able to understand more and more exactly what my problems are (seriously can be one of the hardest things!) 

I am confident that this emotionally abusive, neglectful, shameful parenting streak will not continue in my family, and that my children will lead much healthier lives than I was granted. But the only way I can assure that is by fully admitting my problems and growing. So this segment of my blog will be dedicated to holding me accountable for the daily emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual growth that will ascent me out of this dark hole I've been hiding in, and out into the world to share my strength and talent with the world and grace it with all I have to offer, just like I've admired so many others doing for so long. 

It is my turn to be free. 

Sincerely

Julie Maye

Proper Meaning

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

I am troubled with the world today. For a very simple, yet very complex matter that is so ingrained in our society that the only way to protect my kids will be to educate them and equip them with the positive knowledge and reinforcements I gain along the way. (And of course the realistic junk, too, since this Mama doesn't get to be the lucky one in all of humanity that gets off with a insanity break to keep her head in the clouds and still have everything work out perfectly to textbook plan.) 

See, something that's wrong with this world is we've become so reliant on drama and exaggeration. It is no longer enough to enjoy the beautiful garden you saw today - no, instead you must have seen the greatest garden of all times with the most blossoms and the prettiest butterflies, otherwise it's probably not worth talking about. At least, that's how you can feel sometimes. It's upsetting for many reasons, but I'm going to list off a few below. This is a half rant half revelation on my behalf, because I'm mad as ever to be born anytime after the one where humans lived without buildings and government and all that mambo jumbo. But also because I cannot change the world around me, only the way I see it, and because I want to encourage a healthy perspective for my little-y so they don't feel the same suffering I do, from being a little too skeptical, and probably a little bit stuck in her ways. (Which seem to be very out dated. I think I'm from the past, like a reincarnation with memories. But we can talk about that another time. And if you're a non-believer you can chalk that up to crazy pregnant lady brain, haha!) 

My biggest frustration with this need for drama and exaggeration is that it drives people to lie. Often about simple things - like how bright the neon sign actually was, or how many drinks they honestly had that night. Maybe they'll lie about what time they really left for work, or that they didn't wake up late, but instead the train stopped on the tracks forever and you thought you would die before you got to work. Seriously, who needs to talk like that? Wait - I do. Because it's our language. It's how we communicate other words that we don't seem to know in common conversation - like extremely, plethora, cornucopia, ecstatic, overjoyed. We exaggerate because we think that's how to express the extreme heightened emotions we feel inside during particular events like getting ice cream or riding a roller coaster. We also exaggerate because we need to feel relevant - because if you're conversation isn't enough to please the other person, they're more likely to turn their eyes down to their phone to text a smiley face to "Mick Jagger" or "John Doe" because somehow that's more important than what's at hand. (Yes, friends, I'm looking at the ground in guilty shame as I write this, because I do all these things, too.) 

What this encourages is lack of trust amongst people, because often we take the lies a little too far sometimes. Maybe you forgot some of the details you told, so they were told differently and you were caught telling two different stories. Perhaps someone else was there and you forgot, and they are able to recall the story more accurately than you are telling it. It causes people to question one another, and chalk serious emotions up as exaggerations and drama. For example "you really hurt me by calling me fat" might be laughed at, because in other times you sarcastically acted out one of your own victims, or a different victim belonging to the same perpetrator. Now they think you're being sarcastic or joking, and don't take you seriously. Or maybe a teacher doesn't listen to a seriously suicidal kid crying out for help, because in the last week 15 other kids have been caught cutting their wrists and are actually suffering from behavioral outbursts where they're seeking attention, and their actions don't actually root from self-hatred and intent of self-destruction. But because we are so used to it being exaggerated or used inappropriately, we don't respond with the same alertness we really needed to? And then that man feels forever guilty because society (and his own lack of recognition) perfectly groomed him to see urgency as the new "normal" and have basically disabled their body's response to urgency.

What has lead this to bother me more recently on a personal scale is people misusing the words "love" and "passion". I can hardly blame society for the huge picture held above their head, telling them love is big fancy diamonds, a top-of-the-line car, tons of kids, and a mini mansion (or real one if you can afford it, or at least if the bank tells you you can.) They are told that love is coming home every single night to a cooked dinner, bathed and dressed kids that are nearly ready for bed, A+ homework on the fridge, a kiss from the honey, fresh clothes in the dresser to change into. A clean shower to prepare for dinner, whatever. You may say I'm looking at an outdated version of a 60s magazine and spitting this image out, but the truth is Hollywood and the media push this even more not by saying how much you need to be that person but by saying how much you most definitely shouldn't be anyone else. Unless it's very strong, powerful, and sexy. Because let's face it, that's what the 21st century is all about. The media has literally taken our instinctual desires and exploited them, because often we lack the ability to recognize our instinct from our actual heart desires. 

So you get a man that comes home and says I love you, and then goes to work and says he loves her, too. You get a woman who's sneaking out to the "grocery store" to see her other man, while her current is at work or at home with the kids. You get children who are in school to follow their "passions" while their actually being forced to pursue their interests, which often leads to terrible dissatisfaction later in life, because they're not doing what they actually wanted to - like show horses or garden professionally. Because lets face it, if you're truly passionate, you'll find a way to make money doing something related to it, so that you can be encompassed with it in your every day life. But society tells you you can't. You can't be a passionate gardener for a career, because you'll never make money as a gardener! (Look at Brian Minter from Minter Gardens, if you're local to the Fraser Valley, or even British Columbia. If not, look up a local garden center, and see how they're thriving.) Why can't you be a passionate dancer? The passionate ones are the ones on top, teaching and making money, helping others chase their passions, or interests, depending on why and how they got there. What's wrong with being passionate about driving, and wanting to own your own semi and make a living on the road? Absolutely nothing, that's what. 

And one other thing - in my opinion, one aspect of "love" is passion. So if you don't have passion for something, you likely don't love it either. Because love isn't a guilty feeling of belonging to something, it isn't a feeling of "I have to do this" or "I have to be here." It's actually the opposite. It's wanting all of that, and recognizing what you have in your hands is the answer to all of your prayers. It is a full and total devotion of heart, and passion. That is true love. And true love comes in many forms. For our proper partners, for our jobs, for our hobbies, for our families, for ourselves, and for all that we have, are, and enjoy in life. We have the ability to have love for anything, because passion can be introduced anywhere. Passion and gratification are not the same thing - another problem with society and their inability to properly interpret the meaning of words. Maybe it's because of a bunch of undereducated people like me who did not graduate? Who knows. 

One thing is for sure. When I teach my child about passion, love, and other words, I'm going to teach them the true definitions. I will work not to use these words to sell my children on good behavior and to bribe them with that dream of "better days". Because I want to equip my children with the knowledge on how to attain these true things in life, and how to keep them for life, so that they can always have a better today, and feel nothing but excitement for tomorrow. And when they have passion for something, it will be true passion - not just extreme interest. You will see it in their work, in their talent for what they are doing. For when someone is truly passionate, the beauty is invisible to no one. 

Cheers

Julie Maye

Dear Pregnancy Dream Diary! #2

Dear Pregnancy Dream Diary:

Lately, my dreams have been really crazy, but I barely remember them in the morning. When I wake up in the middle of the night - it's insane. I remember them so clearly that sometimes I feel like I'm still in them, and I get all woozy and wobbly on my way to the bathroom. I've started leaving a light trail from my bedroom to the bathroom - it's pretty bright and forces you to wake up. Otherwise, I tend to fall asleep on the toilet for a while...zzz pregnancy has me so tired!! (Oh yeah, I nap during the day, too! New dreams here, too. Ugh!) 

Sometimes they're really funny, like we're in our house but it's weird - like I'm seeing out of the fish eye view on a camera. The animals (my bunny: Buster, my cat: Onyx, our two bearded dragons: Nova and Gimli, and our rat: Bently) are all out and running about the house because their cages somehow vanished, and all of the doors and windows are open for them to get out, and for some reason I cannot close them. I am trying to hold everyone in my hands but their freaking out so I find somewhere like a closet and starting throwing them all in on different shelves. Generally none of them get away but I am in a constant state of panic keeping them safe. Sometimes, though, my cat gets away and I end up putting everyone in the car and going to find Onyx and bring her home, because I can't live without my little girl. It's really nerve wracking!

Other nights I dream that Toby and I are somewhere like a stadium and I can't find him, there are just a bunch of weird people around staring at me and acting strange. They look at me with these droopy eyes, almost zombie like but not dead or trying to attack me. Sometimes I see him but when I almost get there he walks away and I can't scream loud enough for him to hear me. I try to leave but the building is all locked and we're all stuck there and I find myself walking really slowly and when I try to run I move even slower. It's like everything is slow motion or reverse of what it should be. 

Last night, for the first time, I had a dream I was smoking and drinking, despite being super pregnant (in the dream.) I could literally hear my stomach screaming at me for being a horrible person and doing horrible things to it. I felt so guilty but I kept doing all of those things. Now, I don't do that in real life of course, but it was strange! It felt so real and I felt so bad in the morning as though I'd actually done those things. 

Pregnancy dreams are so strange!

Julie Maye

Powerful Lessons..

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

These last several weeks I have attempted and shied away from writing anything too deep, because I have been very engaged in learning a very powerful lesson in my life. At this time, I can not honestly tell you what that lesson is, however. I am assuming this is a new mom thing, this time of seemingly back to back realizations of the serious changes occurring in my life. None of course that I am not totally thrilled and excited about (ok, I'm human - there are a few) but regarding pregnancy, and becoming a Mother - I'm very excited. That doesn't go to say that I'm not like any other person in the world - I am terrified of what appears to me is a huge chance that I'll fail miserably at this role in my life. I mean, I haven't made very many achievements to date - being undereducated, mostly jobless, and honestly pretty lazy (I'm working on this, yet enjoying what I have of it because I know in the near future there won't be much time for laziness or slouching around!) 

At the same time, there is this opportunity that I will win. Why? Because: I have passion. Ever since I was a young child, my Mother painted this beautiful image in my head of family. Being adopted, I never actually experienced this in my life (I thought, anyway.) I have always had this deep, longing desire to create a family and fulfill the Mother role with a positive influence in my child(ren)'s life. I know I will most likely make some pretty hefty mistakes along the way, everyone does, but overall I am like any other lady - I want a good, loving relationship with my children where they respect and trust me, and vice versa. 

In wanting this, I have come to realize that I do have much to work on in my life. Something I recognized right away is that as a child I learned by example, and was driven away and often acted out. Right there, I know I have to work on my ability to lead a positive, healthy life as an example for my children, as well as make them feel welcomed and equal in our home so they don't feel the need to go elsewhere for that fulfillment. I have done a lot of reading, but something in me just knows nothing can prepare you for what's to come. Nothing ever really fully prepares you. But as much as that scares me, it excites me. Never in my life have I desired to fight so hard for something that I was actually excited about the chance that it could go way, way better than expected, like I am now. 

Unfortunately, because I am tangled in the midst of lessons, I haven't really been able to produce a post that has a driving point or a big finale - there are really no complete lessons here, yet. Honestly, the ones that are opening up to me will likely not be totally learned for quite some time - some for months, some for years, maybe even longer, who knows? But one things for sure - I have opened up the door to a world of learning and I can't wait to learn it! I am totally (not) ready for this, and it's probably going to be the best time of my life (peppered with some of the worst, of course.) 

I will come back when I have a more full story. Sorry that I can't seem to complete full thoughts yet! 

Cheers

Julie Maye