Jumping Hurdles One By One

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

Today I am visiting with a lady from Best Beginnings to help me throughout my pregnancy. I am not 100% sure what the program does or supports, however I do know they provide support to expecting Mothers and Fathers and that this is our first pregnancy so we are going to need all the support we can get. 

Today I also made a huge step in the right direction. 

Typically, my anxiety gets the best of me and I sit at home beating myself up until I get so scared that I cancel or delay my plans with some excuse as to why I have had to cancel or delay. I would talk myself out of it or talk to someone who I knew would talk me out of it, and then just not do it. Then I would feel guilty inside for days after knowing that the real reason I didn't go was because of my own fear of people, social circumstances, and more. 

Since I am holding myself accountable for my actions and responsible for my own getting better, I have decided to reach out for help. Although I strongly doubt Best Beginnings is some form of pregnancy therapy for people, it is a huge step for me to follow through on plans and go meet someone new, as well as for me to reach out for help on anything and then accept the help I get in return rather than allowing for that same anxiety to help me back out of it. I think the main reason I am doing this is because I know I have to. Not because someone is pointing a gun to my head or threatening my well being (well, technically I'm threatening my own if I don't do it), but because the one thing I have always said is that the cycle of the abused children becoming the abusive parents in my family is going to stop with me. At least as much as I can ensure it does. 

I don't want my children growing up wondering why their Mom is so scared, or thinking that it is okay to submit to these excessive emotions simply because we don't think (being the key word) we're capable enough of doing something (or of doing it "right" in my case.) I also don't want to grow up with my fear instilling their own deep fears on them and hindering their ability to openly accept the world as it comes to them. Am I going to be able to raise little angels that smile and giggle and do as their told and come home with perfect grades every time? No way - I expect tantrums and breakdowns and freak outs. I expect to be told I'm hated at one point or another because that's what teenagers do. But I would much rather be hated because I didn't let my son or daughter go out late on a Saturday night, rather than hated because I bore so much anger and exerted that on my family on a daily basis. I don't want to be hated because my own lack of desire to get treatment keeps me damaging myself and others every day for the rest of my life - particularly those who don't have the ability to defend themselves against me, which seems to be the verdict in my family, not just with myself and my Mother, but for generations prior. 

Today I am going to go speak to this lady with an open mind, and if I decide the program is not for me then I will choose not to make a second meeting. I want to make sure that at every given opportunity I am always openly choosing what is best for my family and me equally, and not just what is best for myself. 

Cheers

Julie Maye