Beating Around The Bush

Dear Classic Mom Diary:

It seems like since becoming pregnant, a lot of the issues in my life have become apparent, and unfortunately some new ones have arose. This is both a little frustrating, and very relieving. Relieving because many of these issues (aside from the new ones, of course) were suppressed and ones I'd wanted to deal with for a long time. Many people have a tendency to cling to unhealthy things because they're familiar, and lets just say I'm not immune to that tendency. 

I don't want to air my dirty laundry online because that is tasteless, but I do want to try and express myself in a functional way, because writing is my healing. Which may also be why my writing bounces from one thought to another and back again, is because I'm not always writing to make sense, but I am writing to heal. Today, I am thinking it will be both! 

Something that has become apparent to me with these new issues, is just how unsettled these old ones were. That is because these new ones only include me in a very indirect way, but they are a spitting image of old ones I faced during many horrible years of my childhood and teenage life. Essentially, they have slowly been bringing more and more up of what I had dealt with in the past, but never healed from. Which is almost making it worse, because my contributions are then a little too personal, a little too emotional, and a little harder to control. Of course, I have been doing an extremely good job at keeping these emotions and contributions to a very private level and they have yet to bubble over to ever meet the ears of anyone else involved aside from my boyfriend. This is because I am using our venting sessions and this writing as a measure of assessing my thoughts and attempting to act in rational and healthier ways, as opposed to my old very destructive ones. 

Of course, now that these old unsettled emotions have been stirred, it has been a bit chaotic in my brain. Partially because I am trying to provide healthy support and partially because this means I have to now take my own advice and turn around and deal with my own issues so they don't just fall dormant and become an issue again in the future. (Did I mention this isn't the first time they've been brought to my attention, just that it's the first time I've ever had to do anything about it in a healthy and productive way both to support my mental and physical health for the baby in the immediate situation, and to prevent having these unhealthy situations get worse, or continue to impair my life, as well as add to the level of destruction new ones are clearly causing. 

So, this has driven me to seek out counseling and support throughout the community so I can access better tools to deal with these issues. But in all honesty, it doesn't feel like they're coming nearly fast enough...maybe because I've waited so long, and maybe because it is actually a bit of a slow process so I definitely should've started much sooner. But it's better late than never. There's just too much for me to be able to deal with it on my own at this point, I have accessed all the round thoughts I can think of, attempted to assess the situation from multiple angles and try and use better measures, and it seems like I'm just so used to not doing these things that I end up reverting to my old ways as soon as they don't work and I don't have support encouraging me to keep it up anyway. As well as a low desire to keep it up myself because why bother when it's clearly not working? But maybe someone to stay on my butt will help, because it seems to help for others!

It is really frustrating to deal with these things. I wish I knew already. I wish I didn't have to deal with them. But at least I am learning a lesson regarding my future, how to better interact with others, how to have healthier relationships, and the most important: how to teach that to my child. I hope that in the end this all works out and if nothing else, I grow a hundred fold from where I sit today. I may never be able to change who I am around or choose better people, but I can learn how to interact with them in ways that are not destructive to myself - no matter how destructive they are choosing to be. I need to learn to be assertive but not aggressive, defensive but not closed minded, and more importantly, to be less emotionally attached to my past and more positively attached to my future. 

I am confident I will make it, and no level of anyone's dissatisfaction in me will ever hamper my ability to find satisfaction and happiness within' myself because I live for me and for my family, only. The rest are a lovely luxury that will always come and go. (And yes, my very close few friends are considered family.)

Cheers

Julie Maye