These last several weeks I have attempted and shied away from writing anything too deep, because I have been very engaged in learning a very powerful lesson in my life. At this time, I can not honestly tell you what that lesson is, however. I am assuming this is a new mom thing, this time of seemingly back to back realizations of the serious changes occurring in my life. None of course that I am not totally thrilled and excited about (ok, I'm human - there are a few) but regarding pregnancy, and becoming a Mother - I'm very excited. That doesn't go to say that I'm not like any other person in the world - I am terrified of what appears to me is a huge chance that I'll fail miserably at this role in my life. I mean, I haven't made very many achievements to date - being undereducated, mostly jobless, and honestly pretty lazy (I'm working on this, yet enjoying what I have of it because I know in the near future there won't be much time for laziness or slouching around!)
At the same time, there is this opportunity that I will win. Why? Because: I have passion. Ever since I was a young child, my Mother painted this beautiful image in my head of family. Being adopted, I never actually experienced this in my life (I thought, anyway.) I have always had this deep, longing desire to create a family and fulfill the Mother role with a positive influence in my child(ren)'s life. I know I will most likely make some pretty hefty mistakes along the way, everyone does, but overall I am like any other lady - I want a good, loving relationship with my children where they respect and trust me, and vice versa.
In wanting this, I have come to realize that I do have much to work on in my life. Something I recognized right away is that as a child I learned by example, and was driven away and often acted out. Right there, I know I have to work on my ability to lead a positive, healthy life as an example for my children, as well as make them feel welcomed and equal in our home so they don't feel the need to go elsewhere for that fulfillment. I have done a lot of reading, but something in me just knows nothing can prepare you for what's to come. Nothing ever really fully prepares you. But as much as that scares me, it excites me. Never in my life have I desired to fight so hard for something that I was actually excited about the chance that it could go way, way better than expected, like I am now.
Unfortunately, because I am tangled in the midst of lessons, I haven't really been able to produce a post that has a driving point or a big finale - there are really no complete lessons here, yet. Honestly, the ones that are opening up to me will likely not be totally learned for quite some time - some for months, some for years, maybe even longer, who knows? But one things for sure - I have opened up the door to a world of learning and I can't wait to learn it! I am totally (not) ready for this, and it's probably going to be the best time of my life (peppered with some of the worst, of course.)
I will come back when I have a more full story. Sorry that I can't seem to complete full thoughts yet!
Cheers
Julie Maye
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