Dear Classic Mom Diary:
Today is the day I get a highly anticipated test: an EEG. In other words, I'll be sitting in a chair hooked up to a variety of little stickers and wires that will be stuck to my head and scalp, looking somewhat helpless, like a science experiment of sorts. I will most likely be asked a series of questions and to do some basic functions like read and solve basic equations, so that they can monitor my brain function.
I am going in for this test because for the last several months I've been experiencing an enhanced variety of brain "dysfunctions" that I've had for years. Since this was a basically dormant thing that only would occasionally occur in my childhood, it was never something we really looked into. In fact, it was so fleeting and my responses and reflexes are so disconnected that I think adults took it as a sort of defiance, as though I were being ignorant and not listening, when in reality I could hear I just couldn't listen. When I was a child this was called "selective-hearing" and no one really thought anything of it - including myself - I gave up and started assuming it was normal and I was just overreacting to a totally normal thing. So, I didn't say much, I just experienced.
But, these last few months I've been having it come back with tremendous strength. I go for periods of time where I have blurred or double vision that features streaks, probably pretty similar to what life looks like through your drunk goggles. My body starts getting awful sensations of numbness, and/or pain, and/or tingling, and disconnection, where I feel incapable of responding accurately to things - my times are slowed down, my ability to recall memories and speech becomes impaired sometimes. Sometimes I get auditory and visual hallucinations, and miniature anxiety attacks from being confused about what's happening. At first they were getting chalked up to migraines or migraine on-sets because sometimes they were accompanied by a pain that feels something like a sharp pressure stabbing perfectly through my brain like a plus-sign, meeting in the very middle at the back. Other times it feels like a golf ball is inside the middle of my brain and it doesn't really hurt, there's just a lot of pressure. And then, the majority of the time, there is no pain accompanying the symptoms.
It has been a bit nerve wracking - living day-to-day with these symptoms lurking around the corner, never knowing when and if they'll strike, and if they do, never knowing how bad it will become. I have definitely stopped taking life so for granted, and honestly started living in a bit of fear because I never know how much is too much, or how long is too long. It seems that high stress (such as extreme emotions, or a high stress environment such as a super busy shopping mall) causes it to start, but I'm not sure if that's the only thing or not.
I look forward to finding out what is wrong, but I am also afraid. I am afraid of what that means for me, my future, my unborn child now, and in his/her future. I am afraid of how my abilities will be affected, I'm afraid that I may get my drivers licensed or other privileges pulled, and will no longer have independence. I'm afraid it will get worse and I will be permanently disabled, eventually. It's scary.
But at the same time, I am eager to find out, and to hopefully tackle a treatment plan to clean up the mess. Perhaps I can return my life to normal, or mostly normal one day, and live happily-never-after. Maybe I'll still get to live the life of a regular person. But, then again, maybe not.
Anyway, here goes nothing...
Cheers!
Julie Maye
I am going in for this test because for the last several months I've been experiencing an enhanced variety of brain "dysfunctions" that I've had for years. Since this was a basically dormant thing that only would occasionally occur in my childhood, it was never something we really looked into. In fact, it was so fleeting and my responses and reflexes are so disconnected that I think adults took it as a sort of defiance, as though I were being ignorant and not listening, when in reality I could hear I just couldn't listen. When I was a child this was called "selective-hearing" and no one really thought anything of it - including myself - I gave up and started assuming it was normal and I was just overreacting to a totally normal thing. So, I didn't say much, I just experienced.
But, these last few months I've been having it come back with tremendous strength. I go for periods of time where I have blurred or double vision that features streaks, probably pretty similar to what life looks like through your drunk goggles. My body starts getting awful sensations of numbness, and/or pain, and/or tingling, and disconnection, where I feel incapable of responding accurately to things - my times are slowed down, my ability to recall memories and speech becomes impaired sometimes. Sometimes I get auditory and visual hallucinations, and miniature anxiety attacks from being confused about what's happening. At first they were getting chalked up to migraines or migraine on-sets because sometimes they were accompanied by a pain that feels something like a sharp pressure stabbing perfectly through my brain like a plus-sign, meeting in the very middle at the back. Other times it feels like a golf ball is inside the middle of my brain and it doesn't really hurt, there's just a lot of pressure. And then, the majority of the time, there is no pain accompanying the symptoms.
It has been a bit nerve wracking - living day-to-day with these symptoms lurking around the corner, never knowing when and if they'll strike, and if they do, never knowing how bad it will become. I have definitely stopped taking life so for granted, and honestly started living in a bit of fear because I never know how much is too much, or how long is too long. It seems that high stress (such as extreme emotions, or a high stress environment such as a super busy shopping mall) causes it to start, but I'm not sure if that's the only thing or not.
I look forward to finding out what is wrong, but I am also afraid. I am afraid of what that means for me, my future, my unborn child now, and in his/her future. I am afraid of how my abilities will be affected, I'm afraid that I may get my drivers licensed or other privileges pulled, and will no longer have independence. I'm afraid it will get worse and I will be permanently disabled, eventually. It's scary.
But at the same time, I am eager to find out, and to hopefully tackle a treatment plan to clean up the mess. Perhaps I can return my life to normal, or mostly normal one day, and live happily-never-after. Maybe I'll still get to live the life of a regular person. But, then again, maybe not.
Anyway, here goes nothing...
Cheers!
Julie Maye
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